FINALLY, A REAL REJECTION LETTER

NOTES ON THE AGENT SEARCH

I began querying agents for my novel, The Spirit Guide Bar in October of 2008. It is my bold intention to locate an agent and a publisher by January 1, 2010.

LATEST EMAIL QUERY STATS

Query Emails Sent: 235
Rejections Received: 46
Queries Under Consideration: 16
Miscellaneous: 1

REJECTION EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Dear Mr. Snyder,

You’re sample chapter sucked like a Hoover vacuum cleaner. As a matter of fact, you’re nothing but an amateur hack. No wait, you couldn’t hold an amateur hack’s jock strap. I mean to say you couldn’t write your way out of a paper bag. Reading your sorry excuse for prose made my want jab a freshly sharpened number two pencil into my own eyeball. Seriously, I want the five minutes I wasted reading your pathetic sample chapter back. Honestly Mr. Snyder, you are disgrace to the English language. Never contact my office again – never.

Truthfully Yours,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Now this is a rejection letter. There’s no fence riding here, no wondering if I should follow up with a thank you note or submit my short story collection. I can cross this guy off of my list for good. And I can get mad. I can hang this rejection on my bathroom mirror and use it as honest to goodness motivation. Yeah man, this is a real rejection letter.

OK, I didn’t really receive the scathing letter, but I kind of wish I did. Here’s the rejection email I actually received today.

I'm going to pass, but it's an interesting premise and I appreciate the look.

Did the agent really find my premise interesting? Or is this an automated response? Either way, it’s a sweet, kindhearted rejection. Just about all of the rejection emails seem to be sweet and kindhearted. Quite frankly, I’m sick of sweet and kind hearted. It might spice things if just one of these literary agents would shoot me a rejection with a little spite and venom.

ANOTHER BATTLE IN MY WAR WITH TECHNOLOGY

Mysteriously enough, the language of the little box into which I type my blog switched to Hindi. Hindi! How does that happen? Don’t ask me, I’m the same guy who spent an hour and a half trying to send a fax last week. Posting the last blog was pure chaos. In a state of manic confusion, I lost my cut and pasted posting twice, froze the computer three times, and spilled a bowl of Lucky Charms on my keyboard.

Today the language is back to English. This kind of thing can’t just happen for no good reason. Can it? Is somebody screwing with me out there? Is that you Curtis the Comic? Look, I was only kidding when I said I was funnier than you are… Technology is not my friend.