Thursday, January 1, 2009

EXPLODING CHRISTMAS TREES, CHARLES BARKLEY AND STEVE URKEL

Thanks for taking the time to read my first post of 2009. Bear with me as I continue to search for my blog voice…

I just fished the third draft of The Spirit Guide Bar. Nice goin’, me. For my next trick, I'm going to pull an agent out of my hat. Just watch.

Here’s a relatively painless rejection email I received this morning.

Many thanks for sending us this proposal, which I read with interest. I considered it carefully but I’m afraid on balance it just doesn’t quite grab my imagination in the way that it must for me to offer to represent you. So I must follow my instinct and pass on this occasion. I’m sorry to be so disappointing, but thanks for thinking of us. Of course this is a totally subjective judgment, so do try other agents and I wish you every success.

These guys are good. I don’t even feel bad.

It’s been a good a holiday break – exactly what I was looking for. There’s been time with my wife, kids and extended family - and time to write. There’ve been the Christmas movies andChristmas music, the beef logs, artichoke dip, enchiladas, and eggnog - lots of eggnog; every year I buy too much eggnog. And then there’s the Christmas tree. It’s been a good Christmas tree. The comfortable aroma of pine is still strong. Honestly, I hate to see it come down. With my nephews, it’s another story. Their pupils explode with excitement every time another tree is tossed out to the curb. They’re probably waiting outside the front door right now, ready to pounce. They discovered that a Christmas tree tossed into an average bonfire explodes into a regular Disneyland for pyromaniacs. Dried out Christmas tree number sixty-three went up in flames last night.

Enough with the exploding Christmas trees, can we talk about Charles Barkley? Just in case your life is so balanced that you know nothing about sports or pop culture, Chares Barkley was a very good professional basketball player who is now a very charismatic basketball announcer. He’s got a lot of money and power. Come to think of it, he’s been talking about running for governor of Alabama. For as long as I can remember, the guy has said and done exactly what he felt like saying and doing. He’s been something of a permanent fixture on the Scottsdale nightclub circuit, drinking, chasing skirts and engaging in the occasional barroom brawl. A few years ago he threw some poor schmuck through a plate glass window – just like in the movies.

Tuesday night the Scottsdale police nailed Mr. Barkley for driving under the influence. Apparently, he had been partying it up with forty or so celebrities and Scottsdale socialites. Among his associates was former network television star, Jaleel White. That’s right, Steve Urkel. All I can say about that is, WHAT THE…? Phoenix’s publicity hungry Sheriff Joe is undoubtedly chomping at the bit. The question is will Sir Charles’s fat wallet say him from an issue of pink skivvies and a few days in Phoenix Tent City?

Every time I hear of a celebrity getting nailed for drunk driving I just shake my head. Aren’t these people filthy stinking rich? Barkley is notorious for routinely dropping thousands a night in the Scottsdale clubs. Charles, why not hire some poor dope to drive you around? I’m extending a public offer to club-hopping filthy stinking rich celebrities in Arizona. I am willing to drive you and your entourage around all night in my regal 1999 Chevy Astro van for the equitable sum of two hundred bucks. This is a legitimate offer. If any of you out there in my loyal army of eleven readers knows a hard drinking celebrity, please send them my way.

My daughters are looming over my shoulder, attaching clip-on earrings to my ears and putting bows in my hair, waiting for me to get off of the computer so they can log onto Webkins. They’re making it hard to concentrate on my writing, but I’m glad they’re with me.

I’m going to play with my kids now.

Happy New Year.

8 comments:

Curtis said...

THEY GOTTA PUT CHARLES IN THE CLINK IN PINK. IF THEY CAN FIND A PINK JUMP SUIT TO FIT HIS ROUND MOUND! SO MUCH FOR BEING GOVERNOR. HE COULD BE THE MAYOR OF DC THOUGH...THEY LIKE TO ELECT IDIOTS WITH MULTIPLE ARRESTS.

beFrank said...

Tell Curtis to stop yelling.

#167 Dad said...

CURTIS,
YELL ALL YOU WANT. I'M JUST HAPPY TO HAVE YOU IN THE MIX!

#167 Dad said...

BEFRANK,
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
BRAZOS!

Lucky13 said...

Happy New Year!!

Old Boss Hog is going to have a hay day with Chuck. I'm waiting for the national press conference where he shows pictures of Chuck in his pink chonies.

#167 Dad said...

Lucky,
I think Chuck will find a way to be the first guy to enjoy tent city.

kettyboy said...

You know, this whole Christmas thing gets my goat. I serious, he left and went to Billings, Montana. But anyway, let's talk about Charles. You know, Charles is a derivitive of Charlemange (yes, I'm guessing on the spelling)the great Frank Leader of Gaul. We now call it France. And, we know that the French like to drink. So, Charles is a big guy that does a lot of things that you and I can't do because out income won't allow it. Charles, like most people in his pier group, should not be taken seriously. Is he a thoughful and charitable guy? Yes. Does he tend to drink too much and chase skirts while still being married and raising kids? Yes. While I will continue to like the guy on some level, his being a responsible adult that stays faithful to the woman he married and keeping himself out of embarassing situations and running for public office is a joke. I know in America, we tend to elect people that have more character flaws than him, but maybe we ought to change, like he needs to. But you know what blows my goat, that other goat in Billings. Later.

The Real Raidernation

#167 Dad said...

Chuck is a "what you see is what you get" kind of guy.I trust him more than our current crop of politicians, bankers, and capatains of industry.