I've been a former teacher for five weeks now. Hopefully, I will begin my new career as a bug man/writer within the next week or so. Last week I applied for a job writing humorous educational study guides. I was asked to write a cover letter that would cause the reader to LMAO in the first paragraph. If the reader did not "LMAO by the end of the first paragraph, I was assured the cover letter and resume would be shredded.
Here is what I sent them.
When
I was twelve I accidentally threw a dart into the side of the head of
a kid by the name of Cary Blazjowski. He ran home with the dart
wagging up and down from the side of his head and I followed, hoping
to convince him not to tell on me. He told. His sister, Astrid
Blazjowski, gave me the beating of my life with a yellow Con-air hair
dryer while Cary watched, the dart still hanging there on the side of
his head. But it wasn't as bad as you might think. Astrid Blazejowski
was sixteen, and she was hot, and she was wearing a purple bikini.
Astrid might have killed me if Richard Milhouse Nixon hadn't been on
hand to pull her off of me and administer some basic medical
attention. Okay, the President Nixon part didn't happen, I was just
trying to make this whole thing sound a little more academic.
I
spent twenty-five years as a teacher. That makes me – old. Sure
I'm old, but I know stuff, man. I know that many Emily Dickinson
poems can be sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island. And
I know the opposite of Thoreau is Ca-atch. I know that John Hansen,
not George Washington, was the first president of the United States –
under the Articles of Confederation. A lot of history teachers are
aware of John Hanson and the Articles of Confederation, but very few
of them know that the Hanson Brothers of MMMBop fame
are direct descendants of the first president. Okay, no they aren't,
but it would it would be pretty funny if they were. I relate to the
youth of America because I was be the best rapper in my old
neighborhood. It's true. The parents in my hood always asked me to
wrap their Christmas gifts because I could do tight bows and I used
the sickest wrapping paper. Man, I could wrap.
Finally,
I spent a few years researching, writing, creating and hosting
humorous educational television programming. As a matter of fact, I
once did a live broadcast as Abraham Lincoln and I wasn't wearing any
pants. If your still reading, I assume you no longer have an ass and
look forward to discussing my quirky qualifications and can be
reached at griggit@yahoo.com
or 480-867-5309.
Thank
you,
Bill
Snyder
I must assume that the folks at the educational study guide company do indeed still have their asses as I have not heard back. I guess you can't make 'em all LMAO.
You can order copies of my books "THE EIGHT-FINGERED CRIMINAL'S SON" and "THE SPIRIT GUIDE BAR" by clicking on the link below.
Thanks to my former student Mike I. for the kind words about "THE SPIRIT GUIDE BAR." You made my day, Mike!
Finally, the four major cockroach species found in North America are the German cockroach, the Oriental cockroach, the American cockroach, and the brown-banded cockroach - also known as the person at the humorous educational study guide company who didn't LMAO when he read my cover letter cockroach.
