I've been a former teacher for five weeks now. Hopefully, I will begin my new career as a bug man/writer within the next week or so. Last week I applied for a job writing humorous educational study guides. I was asked to write a cover letter that would cause the reader to LMAO in the first paragraph. If the reader did not "LMAO by the end of the first paragraph, I was assured the cover letter and resume would be shredded.
Here is what I sent them.
When I was twelve I accidentally threw a dart into the side of the head of a kid by the name of Cary Blazjowski. He ran home with the dart wagging up and down from the side of his head and I followed, hoping to convince him not to tell on me. He told. His sister, Astrid Blazjowski, gave me the beating of my life with a yellow Con-air hair dryer while Cary watched, the dart still hanging there on the side of his head. But it wasn't as bad as you might think. Astrid Blazejowski was sixteen, and she was hot, and she was wearing a purple bikini. Astrid might have killed me if Richard Milhouse Nixon hadn't been on hand to pull her off of me and administer some basic medical attention. Okay, the President Nixon part didn't happen, I was just trying to make this whole thing sound a little more academic.
I spent twenty-five years as a teacher. That makes me – old. Sure I'm old, but I know stuff, man. I know that many Emily Dickinson poems can be sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island. And I know the opposite of Thoreau is Ca-atch. I know that John Hansen, not George Washington, was the first president of the United States – under the Articles of Confederation. A lot of history teachers are aware of John Hanson and the Articles of Confederation, but very few of them know that the Hanson Brothers of MMMBop fame are direct descendants of the first president. Okay, no they aren't, but it would it would be pretty funny if they were. I relate to the youth of America because I was be the best rapper in my old neighborhood. It's true. The parents in my hood always asked me to wrap their Christmas gifts because I could do tight bows and I used the sickest wrapping paper. Man, I could wrap.
Finally, I spent a few years researching, writing, creating and hosting humorous educational television programming. As a matter of fact, I once did a live broadcast as Abraham Lincoln and I wasn't wearing any pants. If your still reading, I assume you no longer have an ass and look forward to discussing my quirky qualifications and can be reached at email@example.com or 480-867-5309.
I must assume that the folks at the educational study guide company do indeed still have their asses as I have not heard back. I guess you can't make 'em all LMAO.
You can order copies of my books "THE EIGHT-FINGERED CRIMINAL'S SON" and "THE SPIRIT GUIDE BAR" by clicking on the link below.
Thanks to my former student Mike I. for the kind words about "THE SPIRIT GUIDE BAR." You made my day, Mike!
Finally, the four major cockroach species found in North America are the German cockroach, the Oriental cockroach, the American cockroach, and the brown-banded cockroach - also known as the person at the humorous educational study guide company who didn't LMAO when he read my cover letter cockroach.