Sunday, September 27, 2009

It's All in the Hips, Boys


What did the governor of California say when he wanted to become a composer?

I’ll be Bach.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to come up with that bad pun. Makes you wonder. How many people did come up with the “I’ll be Back” bit? At least five. I’ll bet no more than 5,000.

The point is I came up with the bad pun for Patel the orchestra guy. Coming up with bad puns is the kind of thing I do when I’m assigned to guard the restroom at a high school homecoming dance.

That’s right, Saturday night Patel the orchestra guy and I guarded the restrooms for the homecoming dance. The dance was quite an extravaganza. Search lights shot upward to the heavens from outside the entrance to the school gym while upwards of 600 teenagers danced the night away on the basketball court. It was a good night. I might add the kids handled themselves in a manner far superior to your average group of 600 adults.

You might ask “How do you guard a restroom?” Our job was to make sure the boys and girls made it into the correct commodes.

Toward the end of the night a cop walked by. When I asked him how he was doing, he said, “Better than you. At least I’m not guarding a bathroom.”

Guys like this clown give cops a bad name.

As the night wore on, I began to search for ways to make things interesting. The orchestra guy and I got to know each other. Patel plays a ten thousand dollar cello, he’s carpeting his house next week, his brother is a struggling actor in Hollywood and his favorite color is periwinkle.

A half-dozen or so crying girls made their way to the restroom. I made it a point to tell them they didn’t have it so bad, that back in the day, my girlfriend ditched me at the prom for the mayor’s son in a silver corvette. If they were consoled by my little anecdote, they did a good job of concealing it.

I began giving the young men tips on dancing.

“Remember boys, it’s all in the hips, boys. Be sure to move the hips.” I told them.

I’ll bet some of them took my advice and improved their dancing on the spot. It is true, you know. Most guys don’t understand the importance of moving the hips. Even if it is true, I’m guessing some of the guys walked away saying to their dates, “That Snyder is a creepy old guy. He was talkin’ me about movin my hips."

All I can say is I’m just a guy trying to do a job.

12 comments:

Lazy Writer said...

That's so cool that you helped at the dance. I'm a little jealous. Since I write YA, I would have considered it research. And for the record, I think you gave out great advice while you were doing job!

The pale observer said...

I think this particular problem is a 'white guy' thing. In Ghana you can't stop the men from gyrating!!! And they can definitely move their hips! :)

kavita said...

That's interesting....it's all in the hips,boys...You must watch at least one good commercial Bollywood movie,they all seem to support your advice.

#167 Dad said...

Lazy Writer,
You're jealous of the athroom detail? Nahh, you're right, I had a good time.

Pale Observer,
Next dance I'll bring a hula hoop so the boys can practice.

Kavita,
Great to hear from you. I went nuts over the dancing at the end of Slum Dog Millionaire.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Haahahahahahahahaha! Very funny post, Snyder. May have been a boring night, but you got a great essay out of it.

The pale observer said...

Hoola hoops might help, but in my experience good hip movement is taught as a child! :)

#167 Dad said...

Midlife Jobhunter,
Thanks for laughing at my cornball attempt at humor.

Pale observer,
If only someone had taught me as a child...

beFrank said...

You made it sound way cool. That matters. Don't ever quit being that guy.

bluesfrau said...

Hihi! Yea, people can react a bit funny when they find a guy telling a guy to use their hips. ^^ Well, I grew up with dancing being part of my brother's life (ballet), and he was always being taken the piss off because people for some reason have it branded into their minds that a guy who dances must be gay...

#167 Dad said...

Blues,
Did you know Yubac was a ballet dancer. I'm pretty sure he wasn't gay. Tell your brother about Tupac.

Befrank,
I don't know how to make this sound cool but thanks, man...

Bluesfrau said...

Tupac - ye, I'm sure he knows about Tupac. He used to love all that rappin' type hip hop stuff - isn't that what Tupac did? Jee I'm uninformed am I... (my bro' never really bothered that the people were gabbing - only later, when he lost his condition -- when you are good at what you're doing you don't so much care about people talking, that comes later when you're not that good at it anymore... bless 'im ^^)

#167 Dad said...

I wrote Yubac, didn't I???