Friday, September 4, 2009

Bad Epiphany


I wasn’t looking for any trouble. Then again I suppose I never actually look for trouble. Who does? Another long hard day of educating the youth of America was over and out. Grabbing the TV remote control, I plopped down on the couch for some mindless channel surfing when my wife asked me to head out to the grocery store for a box of sugar cubes. My daughter was building a sugar cube pyramid for a history project and she had gone through something like 26 boxes of sugar cubes. We were going to need another five boxes. Yeah, it was a big sugar cube pyramid.

Being a good husband and father I did exactly as I was asked. I found the sugar cubes and made my way the checkout counters. There was only one checkout counter manned by an actual human being. Since a half dozen or more blue haired senior citizens were lined up to cash out with the live employee I decided to try my luck with the self check out. Bad idea. It seems that I have trouble with technology. After the transaction stalled out five times I decided to line up with the blue hairs. I don’t know how long I was in line but I had time to read entire articles on Britney Spears, Paula Abdul and another on Brad Pitt. I’m not proud f this, but what else was there to do? When I finally made it to the human she asked me how old I was.

“I’m 49. Why?”

“At 55 you’re eligible for the senior citizen discount.”

“YOU THOUGHT I WAS A SENIOR CITIZEN?”

“Well, you’re not that far away from 55.”

“Oh my God, you thought I was a senior citizen!”

“Well, I've seen you in here with the grandkids. You are a grandfather, aren’t you?”

“But a senior citizen!”

I walked out of the store blubbering like the Cowardly Lion. What a rotten epiphany! I’m getting old. And what’s worse is people actually see me as an old guy. You see, before this little reality beat down, I thought of myself as youthful or at the very least, youthful looking. Sure my hair is thinning out and maybe my face is starting to show a little wear and tear, but I thought of myself as – athletic. Hell, I ran a half marathon, what was it? Three, no… six years ago?

Has it really been six years since I ran the half marathon?

And six years from today I’ll be eligible for the senior citizen’s discount???

No!

No.

no.

Senior citizen discount, my left elbow.



You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to watch Steve McQueen kick ass in The Magnificent Seven. It won’t make me younger but it’ll make me feel better. The Magificent Seven always makes me feel better.



20 comments:

kavita said...

I know this feeling...it was a very depressing day when for the very first time this sales person a lady (23-25 yrs old may be,wearing an orange eyeshadow) approached me for this new age anti aging cream....the whole week was a "buhuuu week" for me....now i don't mind because i use one.Magnificent Seven..well this one is a classic we all love.
I wonder how that sugar cube pyramid turned out...interesting.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

Funny! My husband watched The Magnificent Seven last night. I'll have to ask if it made him feel better. I'm thinking, yes, as he even made it through all the commercials.

49? Next year they will send you a letter from AARP to join. Don't open it. Just put it in the recycle bin.

What a good dad - going for the sugar cubes.

#167 Dad said...

Kavita,

I see you feel my pain. I think I'm over it, at least for today.

My girl got an A for her pyramid project.

MJH,
I'll burn their letter. They AARP can save their letters for old guys - dammit.

Guely of Sweden said...

You just wasted a golden oportunity to quote some Dr. Jones :
"Is not the years, it's the mileage"
After all you ran a marathon, man ... A half marathon, I mean.
And the pyramids! See the connection?

beFrank said...

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.


Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

beFrank said...

-Dylan Thomas

#167 Dad said...

Guely,
Half Marathon! Pyramids! The Connection! Yeah, let's go get 'em!
uh, exactly what is the connection G-Man?

Bryan,
Nothing like a little Dylan Thomas rage to get a guy rolling on a Saturday afternoon.

Norman Cho said...

Get back to stand-up. I'm still doing David Hasselhoff jokes and even more scarily people still know who he is.

#167 Dad said...

Norman,
I just watched a cheesy David Hasselhoff flick. The film took place at the London Bridge here in Arizona. His adversary was the ghost of Jack the Ripper. Great chhese ball movie.

I'm plannning to write 14 bits in October. One of my old stand up buddies is talking about hitting an open mike night. I might just join him.

quillfeather said...

Hey, great blog. Thoroughly enjoyed my visit. Will pop in again sometime :)

#167 Dad said...

quillfeather,
Thanks. I got a kick out of my recent vist to your blog as well...

Norman Cho said...

Go for it. I think part of my crisis of confidence is just being unable to decide whether I want to get laughs (hard) or get laughs and make people think (ridiculously harder). It will take longer but I've decided on the latter.

Let me know how it pans out.

jonas wunderman said...

great blog ... and thanks for following! I'll be back here often I suspect.

jonas

#167 Dad said...

Norman,
I'm inspired. I'm lookin to hit an open mike night before the end of the year.

jonas,
Thanks for taking a look see...

Guely of Sweden said...

Eerm , well, the pyramides in Egypt (and sugarcubes) as Dr. Jones digging there with the lines about the mileage and not the years (someone calling you senior) ...Anyway quoting Indy again wish you "fortune and glory kid, fortune and glory"

Anonymous said...

Guely,
Impressive.
I'll never question you again.
WZ

Bluesfrau said...

If you don't question people you'll stay dumbfounded about what they meant. ;-)

Alright - you don't feel old. So what's the problem? Do you give so much of a toss about what other people (and the yellow press) think? Come on, man, you are smarter than that... You are Dad of Arizona. Where did you misplace your self-confidence? It doesn't matter what others say. It matters how you feel. You feel fresh? Then you are fresh. Eh?
I feel like 14, and I probably always will. I look 22. I am 30. So, that's confusing to people, I bet - but I find it amusing.

#167 Dad said...

Thanks Blues. I'M 14 TOO!

Bluesfrau said...

Lets go climb trees!!! :-D

Coach BS said...

I'm in.