Sunday, April 18, 2010

On Dealing with Atrophy

I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. My back hurt. So did my knees and ankles – and my neck. My left rotator cuff was feeling a little funky too. I must have been moving pretty slow because my wife told me I was walking around like an old man. I’ve been walking around like this for a couple of weeks now and I have a dumbass waitress at Valle Luna Mexican Restaurant to thank. You see, the family went out for a relaxing dinner a couple of weeks ago and the dumbass waitress passed out the menus she deemed it necessary to grace me with the senior citizen’s menu.

“Really? Really” I asked, “You think I’m a senior citizen???”

“Well, the senior menu is for fifty-five and over.”

“YOU THINK I’M FIFTY-FIVE?”

For the record, I just turned fifty. Now I understood I was on the back nine and all but I had this ego fed vision of myself appearing much younger than fifty. I thought of myself as physically fit, agile, with cat like speed and the ability to hop chain link fences and the like.

I guess I got smacked upside the head with an epiphany and a half, courtesy of the bored waitress with a deadpan delivery, now didn’t I? The truth of the matter seems to be I’m a fifty year old dude who looks fifty – even fifty-five.

And so I’ve been grunting out daily ninety minute workouts at the gym, the result of which has been, according to my lovely wife, to make me appear even older.

One of my students asked why I was moving so slow. I told the class the menu story. They seemed to find humor in my struggle against the inevitable. A sweet little girl in the back of the room asked me if I was aware there was a sizeable bald spot on the back of my head and if I ever considered using the spray on hair product her grandfather uses.

My wife and students don’t seem to do much good helping me deal with the inevitable effects of atrophy, but waitresses with senior citizen’s menu’s are the worst.

Dumbass Valle Luna waitress.

25 comments:

JJ said...

#167 Dad: When I was alive, my wife turned me into a vegetarian. I think I'll ask her if I can order a steak and take a few years off the back end.

#167 Dad said...

No red meat? Yikes. Can't you have a little really lean meat once in a blue moon???

Wendy aka Quillfeather. said...

Ah, the joys of getting older. So much to look forward too. NOT.

Fun post. As always :)

PS. Please don't 'boot polish' your bald spot. It really isn't a good look!

italgalmm said...

I can relate..
I have the mind of a juvenile 13 year old boy...
( which is creepy since I am a woman)
and the feeble body of an 80 year old Italian woman.... Thick luxurious Dark Mustache and Hairy Mole...it's almost all there.. all I need is the nylons rolled down around my ankles.... It ain't pretty !!!
By the by... The picture of the waitress...

CAN NOT be real...
Can it?

#167 Dad said...

Wendy,
Thanks for reading.

I was thinking of using the spray to paint a happy face on my bald spot.

paulgreci said...

I can relate. My students always thought I was older than I was even though I acted like a teenager.

#167 Dad said...

italgalmm,
you slay me.
I found the pic on google. just wanted to portray that dumbass waitress in the most negative possible light.

Clif said...

If I was blind, I'd guess you were no older than 35. I'd say younger but your wisdom gives you away. You definitely don't act your age - a good thing in my book!

kavita said...

Ninety minutes at the gymn at 50..that's pretty impressive (i am trying to cheer you up )!!! Try some yoga friend !

Fun post Snyder...have a great week and avoid that restaurant..not good for your health.lolz

beFrank said...

Pigasus is missing his tail in the last cartoon. As to the age thing, I don't care how old I am. I'm just going to try to laugh and be happy as much as possible.

Angie Paxton said...

If it makes you feel better, I'm only twenty nine and the other day my six year old nephew asked me if I was like forty or something. Maybe age is in the eye of the beholder too and that waitress forgot to put her contacts in that day.

Guely of Sweden said...

What's this about feeling old? I've been feeling old since I was twelve! And i am so use to it. "Older and wiser" is one of my favorite mottos. Thanks heaven most of us don't live of our looks (you missed my Tony Curtis entry, Snyder, now HE had it tough). If you get in a relative good shape, I think is enough. We all know here (and there for sure too) that you are an above average cool dude. Personally, unless for phisical pain I don't see any trouble about agein cos there is always older or younger people to compare with. And if i get like 80 or 90 i gonna be so Borges like wise that people or myself won't even care about how do i look (then you can always add the line "It's lonely on the top, kiddo!"). Maybe it depends of what meaning do we give to age. There is this saying (apocryphal perhaps) from Abe Lincoln : "After thirty, every man is responsable of his own face". And well there is this public secret about appearance: clothes. One can look much better with the proper clothes. And at least, we males (sorry Ladies), are much better accepted without make-up and can show off our wrinkles and greys with even some pride. Now repeat after me "50 is the new 25, 50 is the new 25...!"

#167 Dad said...

Thanks, Kavita-
I like yoga. Don't spend as much time with it as I'd like.

#167 Dad said...

Paul,
I got. Next year I'll tell my students I'm 70. Hopefully, they'll say I look pretty darned good for my age.

Bullshee said...

Knowing you are 50, helps me cope with the fact that I'm now 25! Puts things into perspective.

Where's that smiley for "cruel mocking grin"???

Thanks Bill!!! :D

Momma Fargo said...

Oh, I'm sorry. That never happens to me...bc I'm a LOT younger than you. MWAAAHHHAAA!

#167 Dad said...

Clif,
I appreciate the 20/20 vision...
Kavita,
Thanks for being impressed.
As for yoga - I practice, at least a little, just about every day. WIsh I culd say it keeps me young, but it sure as heck makes me feel better.

Dave said...

I'm only partway through my fourth decade, but the atrophy is still getting to me. My right leg has had 5 ankle sprains, one partial ACL tear, and several tendonitis-es. (what's the plural on dat!?).

Then there's the hair, already wishing me goodbye... and my back, which yesterday acted up because I foolishly walked across a room and sat in a chair, causing intense pain for no apparent reason...

I hope I'm doing as well as you when I start into decade six!

#167 Dad said...

Dave,
Decade six sounds even worse.
The truth is I'm more comfortable in my skin at 50 than I was at 25.
Bryan,
And you're a helluva good laugher.

#167 Dad said...

Angie,
I think your ok. You might as well be a hundreed form a six year old POV.
G-Man,
Dug the Tony Curtis post and Borges is the man

#167 Dad said...

Bulshee and Momma,
You'll get yours.

David C. said...

I'm a little further into the dreaded 6th decade. I remember the time the barber held up the mirror and I wondered why I was seeing the back of Uncle Ed's head. I also remember the time on vacation when I wondered why I got 10 percent off the grocery bill and the cashier said it was the senior citizen discount. I was around 50 at the time. My wiseacre son thought it was hilarious.

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

I read this last week and thought it was funny as shit. I'm not quite there but I tell everyone I'm in the starting stages of rigormortis and I'm amazed at my slow but steady decomposition.

#167 Dad said...

Israel,
Thanks for the complement. You're a funny dude, a funny young dude...

David,
I wish some wiseacre had put the waitress up to that menu. I've been seeing your Uncle Ed's head in the mirror sice my darned twenties.

Bluesfrau said...

Eat this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQUucSuXKGw
Still feel old?
:D